Crispy Onions

Given that our fair and green land is currently in the grip of seismic thermals, catastrophic heatwaves and somewhat apocalyptic thunderstorms, it doesn't really make sense to do much in the way of cooking at the moment. After standing behind the stove this morning, simply frying an egg, I thought at one point it was all going to end, by way of the Wicked Witch of the West. In that I might melt into the floor, into a puddle of freckles and spectacles, glistening like liquidised lard. This was all in spite of having the fan switched on at full pelt in the kitchen; fluffing and spluttering warm air about the place, burring and wavering like a lumbering drunk. What a useless piece of equipment that is. Even stripping down to my shreddies didn't help. I did think about going one stage further but I quickly stopped dead in my tracks, for fear of spitting fat. And plus I didn't want to scare the kids when I called them to the table for breakfast.

So yes, it's hot. You know it's hot, we all know it's hot and I don't need to go on about it. But what can we do whilst this pandemonium goes on? What can we eat, whilst we slavishly remain glued to the screen, waiting for a name? Any name. What is going to help us keep our cool, in these testing times? What is going to keep us sane? Seriously, I need to know because I keep shouting, nay screaming, at Kay Burley, telling her to "F**k off!" all the time. What sustenance is going to keep me on the straight and narrow whilst the world around me dissolves around me like a Dali landscape? WHAT?!!! TELL ME?!!!!

Actually, I think I have the solution.

CRISPY ONIONS!!!!

And if you are now thinking: "Wow, that's one hell of a tangent, what is he smoking?" Please, bear with me.

Because in this steaming tumult, this concrete jungle, this seething pit of sweat, grime and hysteria, the only damn thing it seems that we can eat is salad. And in my opinion, salad ain't salad unless it's topped with thousand island dressing and most importantly, crispy onions. Ooh those little shavings of deep fried allium gold, ooh they are so delicious and tasty and are excellent for finishing off mountain bowls of leaves, beets, sweetcorn, potatoes, tomatoes, carrots and chopped gherkins. You know, just like the sort of salad you used to stack up in Pizza Hut in the 90's. Or possibly the 80's.

So given the current conditions out there, please consider this to be a public service announcement.

Don't cook. Strip naked. Keep your eyes glued to gogglebox. Eat salad.

And remember.........CRISPY ONIONS!!!

*punches air, sobs incoherently and faints*